This has been coming up a lot in my world lately, both personally and professionally.
 
It’s one of the biggest challenges that I see when working with couples. Each person tries prove that they aren’t the one at fault in a situation. It ends up skyrocketing arguments, leaving both parties hurt and at an impasse.
 
It’s coming up in the #MeToo movement. Many men are anxious to prove that they aren’t part of the problem of harassment, assault, and the unequal treatment of women.
 
I see it at workplaces. If something hasn’t been accomplished in a timely manner, or something has gone wrong, everyone jumps to their explanation of why it wasn’t their responsibility, or states that it was because someone else hadn’t done their part first.
 
Honestly, I struggle with it too. In relationships, at work, in the context of larger social issues, the need to say and prove that “it’s not my fault” or “I’m not that person” is strong. It takes over more often than I would like it too.
 
So why is that there? What makes it so strong?
 
Like any protective action we take, this is based on a fear response. We feel attacked. We are afraid of what might happen next. We are afraid of how we will viewed, or what consequences we might experience. The potential of being rejected is painful. Even allowing room for that fear is so uncomfortable that we do what we can to quickly get rid of it.
 
And yes, we want to be understood for who we are. We feel a need to prove it. These are such human and natural feelings, but almost always lead to damaging results when it comes through the fear route. Arguments occur, situations aren’t solved, and sometimes others are blamed or attacked (verbally or physically). This leaves no room for growth and change.
 
What can we do about it?
 
1. First step? Notice. When you feel that urge to defend yourself coming up, notice that it's there. Even name it. Ask what it is you are afraid of. Is it that you will get fired? Is it that someone you love will think poorly of you?
 
2. Learn to live with the discomfort. Fear, anxiety, hurt, anger… whatever comes up for you when you are confronted with something that is unsettling, don’t rush to get rid of it. Use some self-soothing techniques. Give yourself some compassion. Examine the size of the fear as it relates to the reality of the situation.
 
3. Get more information from the person or people challenging you. Let the person sharing their experience know that you hear and understand what they are saying. This isn’t taking responsibility for what they are saying, or affirming that they are 100% right in what they are bringing up. It just lets them know that you are making space and really working to understand (You would be AMAZED at how quickly this part alone with de-escalate an emotionally charged situation).
 
4. Do take responsibility for any part you may have contributed to the problem. It may be minimal. It may be huge. It may have been accidental. Whatever it is, even though it’s uncomfortable and may be scary, own it.
 
5. Share your perspective on other things that contributed to the situation. Look at it as a problem to be solved, not as defect in you or the other people involved. You can and should share your feelings about everything, too. They are important! One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to make space to communicate your feelings and needs when fear isn’t in the driver's seat.
 
Taking a break from defensiveness can significantly improve your relationships and interactions. It's something that requires regular work and patience with yourself, but the payoff will be worth it. 

​It happens all the time. Clients come in and want advice on how to change their
partner. They have a clear idea of what they would like to see different about
their significant other and are having a heck of a time trying to make it happen.
 
While there are some practical steps and communication tools to let your partner know what your needs are in the relationship (which is extremely important),
attempts to directly change one’s partner has a tendency to backfire. This often
leads to arguments. People feel criticized, triggered by their own insecurities,
angry, embarrassed, and hurt. Even if one is trying to bring up valid and
reasonable issues and requests in the relationship, it doesn’t always go smoothly.
 
So what do you do if you are stuck?  What if the same issues are brought up over and over again, and nothing changes? What if your partner won’t agree to come
to therapy with you to discuss the issues?
 
Ultimately, it has to be your partner who decides to make the changes
themselves. I know its tough. It would be so much easier to have remote control
to make adjustments on your partner, especially when you feel like you have
done everything else in your power to get them to behave or respond differently. Feeling helpless is extremely discouraging. So what is it you CAN control?
 
You can control you. I know, it probably feels like you are doing everything you
can to change things, and that they are the bigger problem. And you may be totally right! But follow me down this road for a bit, and see if this might ultimately feel better than what you may have been trying… 
 
See if you can answer this question. What kind of partner do you want to be?
What are your values in a relationship context? Some of the common responses I get when I ask clients these questions are:
 
“ I want to be a good listener.”
“I want to communicate clearly.”
“I want to be someone who strongly asserts my needs.”
“I want to be an encouraging partner.”
“I want to be dependable, and someone my partner know they can always rely
on.”
 “I want to be true to myself, and not be someone who loses themselves in a
relationship.”
“I want to actively contribute in a relationship.”
“ I want to be compassionate.”
 
As you can see, it’s not about being anyone else’s idea of perfect. It's identifying
who you want to be. This is something in your control. Acting in this way, in
accordance with your deeply held values is empowering, and can have the added benefit of making the path a little smoother when it comes to addressing
challenges in a relationship.
 
When there is hurt, frustration, or disappointment with our significant other, it is difficult for us to be our best selves. We often wind up being the opposite of our
ideal image of a partner- becoming defensive, critical, jealous, argumentative, and turning away from our partner.
 
Making a concentrated effort to come back to our values feels amazing, because we know we are being true to who we want to be, and our happiness isn’t entirely dependent on our partner being the “ideal.”  
 
You will likely be surprised at what changes this brings out in your partner, as
well. Even if you each have different ideas of what the ideal significant other
should look like, chances are that there is some overlapping of values, and that
your partner is going to respond more positively to this than to the you that is
acting from a place of frustration.
 
In his book ACT with Love, Russ Harris gives some good sample questions to help
you identify what this ideal partner self could look like for you:
 
“What sort of personal qualities do you want to bring into play in your
relationship?
What character strengths do you wish to employ or develop?
How do you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis?
What do you want to stand for as a partner?
Suppose we ask your partner to describe the ten things he or she most
appreciates about you. In the ideal world, what would you most love your partner to say?”
(p. 66,67)
 
This isn’t about being a doormat or not valuing and stating your needs. Hopefully, being your own advocate and someone that doesn’t accept disrespectful behavior is a part of your values, and something that should be of high importance.  
 
Ideally, when both partners are approaching the relationship this way, everyone
is happier. Both are being true to themselves, and are usually taking care of and
​nurturing each other. This doesn’t solve all problems,  (by any means) but it gives a really positive foundation from which to begin deeper work. 

Sometimes our children (or children in
our care) have feelings. Huge ones. It's
like a colossal tsunami that came out of
nowhere, causing us to feel stunned, helpless, and unsure of what to do next.
The things that cause these reactions can be baffling to us, especially if they
​seem to make no sense, leaving us ready to throw up our hands and join in the meltdown process. 

Here are a few things that can help you feel a little less helpless as you help
kiddos navigate these tricky and trying experiences

In the moment…

1. Expression
Help your child to communicate what is going on with them. Often times, using
words isn't the easiest for children when they are in this state. Can they draw
their feelings? Show you with their arms how big they are? Point to examples of
faces with different emotions? My son likes to pretend that his feelings are in a
volcano, and he shows me with his hand how high the hot lava of any given
feeling is (He incorporates hot lava any chance he gets in his life. Volcanoes are,
clearly, the coolest thing ever). You know your child, and can use your insight to
help them figure out how they can best share what is going on for them. 

2. Body work 
Children often need some sort of method of dealing with the physical component of their feelings. For some, it's getting that energy out (jumping jacks, running
around, etc). Some kids find benefit in having a bottle that is filled with water and glitter that they can shake around with all of their feelings, and slowly watch the
glitter settle, allowing them to do the same. For others, it's coming to a place of
slow deep breaths. You can have them imagine they are breathing in the smell of yummy hot chocolate, and blowing out to cool the cup of hot liquid (hot chocolate=another one of the major excitements in my son's world) which will help their
body to calm down. Questions can be asked about where they are feeling the
emotions in their body, and then they can try to relax those areas, or blow the
feelings out into a balloon. Again, you know your kiddo.  Experiment and see
what seems to resonate with them

3. Distraction
​This isn't ignoring what has happened or an attempt to rush past and pacify an
upset child. Once the above two ideas have been addressed (or feelings are too
big in the moment to be able to try the above mentioned steps), re-directing to
something besides the source of the emotional upset can help the child reset and not remain in a place of struggle. This can be a way of helping them move on. The issue can be re-addressed, if necessary, once things have calmed down a bit. 


When not in the moment... 

If there are certain situations that are trigging for the little one in your life, making a plan with them ahead of time can be an empowering thing for them, and
something you can reference together in the difficult moments. Picking out some ideas together and writing them down, making pictures about them, or having
them in a "toolbox" of ideas that they can pull out could be fun, and help set
everyone's mind a little more at ease, knowing that there are tools for support in place.  

You can also have a conversation with children about their brain, and what is
going on when they are having the big feelings. Feelings are information, and can be our brain's way of trying to tell us something isn't right. Approaching the
feelings with curiosity, like a detective, can change the relationship to the feelings so they aren't so overwhelming (this works for adults, too). 

A few other practical tips…. 
It's also helpful to remember that changing up the routine, being sleep-deprived, and being hungry are elements that contribute to bigger-than-usual feelings and difficulty regulating emotions for kiddos. Obviously, life happens. Things get
​changed up. Just remember that these can be contributing factors, and that your children might need a little extra support in these situations (as might you). 

Caregiving is tough, but you can do it! Remember to take care of yourself, too. It's one of the most important keys to successful and happy parenting :)

 
​This makes sense. Who wants to willingly
experience emotional pain? It can feel worse
than an attack from a killer rabbit! That is
because psychological pain uses many of the
same neural networks that physical pain uses.
Plus, in order to increase our chances of survival, we are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid
pain. Many of us will go to great lengths to prevent situations in which emotional
turmoil and discomfort might have the possibility of occurring. But what is the
cost to us when we make our decisions based on this? I can think of a few
examples from my own life. 
 
Not advocating for my needs in a relationships because I didn't want to create
conflict. Not going to an audition or interviewing for a new job for fear of
rejection. Canceling last minute on a friend's party because I might have to deal
with social awkwardness. Not making a counseling appointment because of fear
of being that vulnerable with someone….  
 
While avoiding discomfort or painful feelings can seem to provide relief in the 
short-term, it can keep us from getting our needs met or enjoying things that we want to pursue. It might even cause damage in our relationships, and keep us
from being the kind of people that we want to be.
 
So say you do decide to face situations or explore feelings that bring up a lot of 
discomfort or even pain… what then? Here are some steps that I have found
helpful when it comes to addressing the less-than-pleasant “stuff” that is going on in my brain and body. 
 
1. Notice
Feelings aren't good or bad (though they can certainly feel that way)- they are information. By making space for them, we can see what that information is.  Check in with your body and notice what sensations are there. Maybe there is tension, exhaustion, racing heart, or physical pain. What feelings do you discover as you are turning your glance inward? Are you hurting? Scared? Angry? Do you need something? Observe what thoughts are going through your mind. Are deeply held insecurities and beliefs about yourself coming up? Are you imagining worst-case \scenarios? Just spend some time curiously listening to what your mind and body have to say.
 
2. Name 
Naming what's going on can be powerful, and take some of the scariness out of
what’s there.  It also helps us get specific about what we might need in a given
situation. You could say to yourself: 
 
"I'm doing something that terrifies me." 
"This hurts." 
"I feel like I am failing again."
"I'm so angry I want to hurt someone."
"I feel hopeless."
 "I'm scared they will leave me if I let them see who I really am." 
 
3. Practice Self-Compassion 
Too often, we judge our feelings. We are frustrated that we are having them, think we shouldn't be feeling them, or believe that we should be able to just "get over"
them. These may be messages that we have heard from others in our lives and
chosen to internalize. Sometimes we are frightened by or ashamed of the things
that are inside of us, even though they are perfectly normal human experiences. This judgment, though usually an attempt to protect ourselves, actually increases our suffering. We end up ruminating and amplifying the already challenging experience, making it significantly more difficult to overcome. 
 
What would it be like to try some of these out instead? Saying to yourself with
kind intention...
"May I be well and find some peace in the midst of this situation." 
"May this pain from my past heal."
"May I be able to let go of my need to be perfect."
"May I find the strength I need to deal with this."
 
Or even expressing some admiration…. 
"I'm strong for be able to endure this." 
"I'm proud of myself for being brave and facing my fear."
 
 Perhaps even hope? 
"This will not last forever." 
"I know I can get through this." 
"Others have been through this. They survived. I know I will, too."
 
This can feel awkward at first, especially if we aren't used to being kind to
ourselves. But oh, how amazing it feels! Many of us didn't receive these messages from the people in our lives that were important to us. What a gift to be able to
offer it to ourselves and to see how it transforms us. 
 
​4. Choose Action 
Once you have made space to compassionately examine what the troubling
emotions are within you, and what they are trying to communicate, you can
choose how to respond. Maybe you will choose to pursue something you have
been avoiding, or honestly open up to someone. Maybe you will decide that something is too big of an issue to tackle just yet. Maybe you need a warm bath and just to breathe and take care of yourself for a bit. The key here is that you have the choice! By slowing down and taking this time, you aren't letting fear or other negative emotional experiences automatically make your decisions for you. You have the freedom choose to be the person you want to be and live a life that you value, not one that is dominated by running away. 
 
It takes courage to face difficult emotions. If it’s too overwhelming to explore them on your own, connect with a counselor or a good friend for support. Though it’s not always a pleasant process, it has been my experience that people are happier and more fulfilled when they are able to live in line with their values.

I love using expressive arts therapy in trauma work. Absolutely love it. If you ask me about it, I talk excitedly and share an abundance of information like a young
person giving all of the details about their latest crush. Why? Because it works!
Not only have I seen it bring incredible healing in my work with clients, but there are also significant practical and scientific
reasons that expressive arts therapies are actually PREFERRED modalities for certain
types of treatment, especially trauma
recovery. Here’s why:

 1. The Brain 
Verbal processing, as done in traditional talk therapy, can be especially
challenging in trauma work. This is because when a traumatic event happens, the part of the brain that makes sense of things through language shuts down as our bodies protectively go into the fight/flight/freeze response. Then, the memories of the trauma are stored in implicit and sensory memory. This brings up a problem when someone wants to begin to process his or her trauma. It’s very difficult to
think in a logical way, process with words, or label emotional states. Expressive
arts therapies provide countless ways of processing that get around this barrier,
enabling people to find their voice, work towards healing, and regain their power
in ways that work with them and their brain processes!

 2. Bypassing Defenses and Bridging the Gap
Expressive arts therapies can take the work to a deep place very quickly.
Traumatic memories that are stored in the implicit memory and unconscious
need to be incorporated into the narrative and conscious memory. They have to
be coded with language so they can be integrated for recovery from trauma to
take place.
 
The problem is, the conscious brain in the prefrontal cortex says “Hey! We don’t
want to go there! That’s not safe! That’s why we went offline in the first place!”
and becomes a master at building up defenses to keep us from addressing what
feels frightening, even though it is often times essential in the healing process.
Creative modalities can access the sensory and implicit memories and experiences and bring them to the surface, in a different, safe, and contained way, with the support of a therapist and any resources that they may need. These memories and experiences can then be given words, and integration can occur.

3. Distance and Containment
​It can be very easy for people to become re-traumatized when entering into this work. Flooded by memories, flashbacks, and re-experiencing the past as though
it’s happening in the present can make trauma processing feel unsafe and
frightening. Whether the trauma survivor is creating a piece of art, directing or
acting in a scene, or creating music and movement to process their trauma, there is a level of containment. These things can be paused, examined at a distance,
reworked or replayed differently, and all the time, the survivor is in control. The
physicality of the work can also provide grounding, helping the trauma survivor
stay in the “here-and-now” through the process.
 
 
… I told you I tend to gush about this. It makes sense, though, doesn’t it? This isn’t to say that other methods used for trauma treatment aren’t effective- I use many of them in my work with clients. But I am so grateful to have these skills and tools available to help my clients work toward healing, and a life that is no longer
​controlled by the trauma they have experienced.